If you’ve been keeping up with the election, your faith in humanity is probably long gone by now.
And mine is, too. It flew right out the window and told me it’s never coming back, so see you never, hopes and dreams. While this batch of politicians is blessed with a unique brand of crazy, political weirdos have been spewing absolute nonsense since humans started governing themselves.
In honor of campaign season, let’s take a look at some of the most bizarre promises that professional crazy people have ever made. (And you know we’ll get to you, Donald.)
1. While George Dubya doesn’t exactly have a ton of fans, Dennis Kucinich’s vow to have him arrested back in 2008 was a bit excessive.
2. Queen of Ridiculousness Sarah Palin promised to be “more rogue” the next time she ran for president, presumably in an effort to use her favorite word again. She was so rogue, in fact, that she didn’t run at all.
3. Rick Santorum further embarrassed my home state by declaring a war on porn, because focusing on actual issues is stupid. He specifically wanted to ban hard-core porn, because porn of the soft-core variety is evidently A-okay in his book!
4. Vermin Supreme might be a mock politician, but his promise to give every American a pony back in 2012 is something that I’m still waiting for this year’s candidates to revisit.
Bernie, I feel like this one’s for you.
5. Professional Hater of Reading Herman Cain promised to veto any bill longer than 3 pages back in 2011, because if it couldn’t be decided over dinner, it had no place in politics. In other news, he probably loves Twitter.
6. When Jello Biafra, former frontman of the Dead Kennedys, confusingly ran for Mayor of San Francisco in 1979, he promised to make all businessmen wear clown suits. Basic logic would dictate that The Donald was his sole inspiration.
That being said, I feel like this suit would suffice.
7. Captain Insanity, otherwise known as Newt Gingrich, swore back in 2012 that the U.S. would have a colony on the moon by 2020.
I’m going to assume that he did not propose this as a way to escape a planet murdered by global warming.
8. Melting cat Ted Cruz recently vowed to make tritone music — otherwise known as the Devil’s jam — illegal when he slithers his way into the Oval.
9. John Edwards, who is also a doctor in his own mind, once promised that he and John Kerry would cure Parkinson’s, diabetes, and Alzheimer’s over the course of one stint in the White House, because realism is definitely his thing.
10. Al Gore poetically promised to keep George W. Bush all up out of the White House by assuring us that zebras don’t change their spots. Science.
11. Trump’s opposition to NAFTA isn’t insane in and of itself, but his reasoning behind it is a little ridiculous, since he apparently finds people across North America — U.S. citizens included — dumb. In his words, “Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But we have stupid people.”
And maybe he’s not wrong, since Americans are voting for him in the primaries.
12. Michele Bachmann once swore that she would pull U.S. troops out of Libya and Africa.
She also loves peanut butter sandwiches and sandwiches filled with peanut butter.
This list just proves that political absurdity is not confined to certain parties, but instead, permeates the entire system. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy, doesn’t it? Same.